It will be interesting, really...to look back on this experience and see how I've grown and changed. I have had a rare opportunity for the past 4 months to "get reacquainted with myself". I have spent a lot of time alone, ruminating and determining what is important to me. Opportunities have presented themselves to me to feel vulnerable and have made me cry; while other situations have shown me just how strong and independent I am. What will this whole experience look like six months from now?
I am so grateful to my best friend and husband. Without his support, both financially and emotionally this would never have happened. And I am so thankful to Ken & Jan Beane for allowing Roger to live with them while I have been away. Without these two beautiful people, this could never have happened. They have also been encouragement for the journey constantly telling me I could do it and how proud of me they are. The praise of being told how proud someone is of you, gets to me every time. I don't know why it makes me feel so weepy, but it stirs up something in my heart and pushes me ahead to do my best. The flip side of that coin is that I'm always concerned about doing something that would make me disappoint those that I love. This is a top concern in almost every decision I make and probably needs my attention and to be explored a little more.
Sitting here, looking at the Sangre de Christo mountains, I have had the opportunity to reflect on how it feels to live in a community where you are fairly well known. Indianola is a small enough place, it's not easy to be a stranger there. When we first moved there 13 years ago, I can remember going into places and people turning around and looking. This was apparently very disconcerting to Roger (initially). He would bristle, his posture would change and perhaps even his breathing would become more rapid. He said to me, "Why are they looking at me...do they want to fight?" Oh Lord No!!! I told him that in my town, they where trying to place him with a family, "I think he went to school with my sister" or "His dad used to work down at the elevator"! And thinking about this mentality now, that is a wonderful environment to live in. I love going to Crouse Cafe and having Heidi or Abby know that I like Diet Coke with a splash of Cherry Coke. I love being stopped in the grocery store and asked if I have any massage appointments available this week. I have missed being a member of such a community. I go to the store knowing there is no chance I will run into anyone I know here in Santa Fe. And for me, this knowledge brings a tinge of sadness.
So now I'm sitting here and looking forward to the next chapter as I prepare to move back to my beloved community, family and friends. This journey didn't end up as I had intended, but perhaps this was what the entirety of the journey was about! The leaves are falling off the trees and the wind has taken on a cold bite; just as I have purged my life of a bunch of stuff both material and emotional. The seasons are surely changing and it will be interesting to see what fertile opportunities present themselves in this next phase.
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