Getting Reacquainted with Myself

I have just celebrated the two month anniversary of living in Santa Fe, New Mexico. It has been a tumultuous experience at best! I left behind my husband and the rest of my family, a flourishing massage therapy practice, my church and the ministry with veterans that I felt was my personal responsibility. And I left behind my identity.

Here I am very anonymous, no one really knows me. I have contact with only a handful of people at the apartment complex where I live and a few students in my classes. I never walk into a store, expecting to find a friendly face or a friend to greet me. It's weird really, as I kind of felt like a "public figure" at home due to my involvement in the community, at church and because of my practice.

And it has been very quiet here. I arrived in Santa Fe a month prior to starting school. So I've had a lot of time to sit, think and contemplate this move. People have told me to enjoy this quiet time and to spend it getting "reacquainted" with myself. To appreciate the ease that I have in my life right now...but that's hard, especially for me. I have come from a lifestyle of working 2 jobs and being on the go for fourteen hours a day. I have been strong, independent and very determined. Since arriving here, I don't feel very strong or independent. I find that there are little things that can bring a tear to my eye in the flash of an instant. There are strong remembrances that can bring a pang of melancholy - remembrances that I haven't thought of in years. Simple things like food and sleep have not been the same as at home.

I don't mean this to sound as a big complaint session - I just mean to indicate all the change that has happened in the last 2 months of my life. The best part of my day here is waking up and walking into the living room, opening the blinds and watching the sun rise over the Sangre de Christo Mountains just to the East of my balcony. It is simply amazing and life giving. The mountains have been so intriguing to me. I love to watch the weather develop over the top of the mountain. And just now, the aspens are turning, making the mountain appear as if it is ablaze. Beautiful sights, amazing vistas, breathtaking landscapes that I could never enjoy back in Iowa!

The quiet of night is the hardest for me. I'm used to having my best friend and lover in bed with me at night. That quiet that engulfs me so deeply that I can hear my own heartbeat is tough to deal with. It's that quiet that makes me get up and check that the door is really locked. That quiet that makes my mind think it hears something out in the kitchen. That quiet that creates a little feeling of unease in my heart and keeps that little bit of tension in my body...on guard!

But it is at this quiet time that my mind begins working and words start showing up for reflection. One night recently, my word was "Compassion". And while it seemed odd at first, with a little ruminating it became a message to me that I need to learn to be compassionate with myself, less driven, less independent and give into the love and care with which compassion is offered. Learning to treat myself compassionately is important for the journey I am currently on. If I can't be compassionate with myself, how will I ever treat my patients compassionately. So important for this healing field that I am now studying!!

So while none of this transition has been easy, I am adjusting. I am growing and my thought processes are changing. Regardless of where this journey takes me, it is a process that will change the core of who I am. I am grateful for the opportunity and am anxious to see six months from now where the road leads.