I didn't wake up this morning thinking that anything would occur to cause a big shift in my priorities - but that is just what happened. Deep down this uneasiness has been brewing for several weeks. An uneasiness that I couldn't really put words to or face. Something has been unsettling me and I kept blaming it on my separation from Roger. But now, I seem to see things more clearly.
Roger and I started the morning out texting back and forth. I told him we had snow on the Sangre de Christo mountains this morning and told him to bring his coat when he comes to visit tomorrow. He replied back that he had found a "Student Loan Calculator" and had plugged in the totals for 4 years of loans at Southwest Acupuncture College. My loan payment will total $950.00 a month for 10 years! Oh My Lord!!! Why in the heck did we not do this before moving me half way across the United States? If we had, would it have changed plans?
I have felt physically sick all afternoon thinking about having this kind of debt, at this point in my life! I don't even want to go to class tomorrow. I'm nauseous, my head is throbbing and I have such a feeling of anxiety. The flip side of this is I worry about what people with think of me if I leave school and go back home. In my heart of hearts, I feel like the decision has already been made - and it is not difficult or uncomfortable. It's a decision I can make without any regrets...my one concern (as always in life) is that I don't want to disappoint anyone. I'm not sure why that always comes up for me but it does.
The love of my life will be here for a few short days this weekend. We have a lot of talking to do and a bunch of decisions to make. I know that I can't go on like this much longer - I miss him so much! I have worried about his well being, too. I have never seen him so down before and this is something that could so easily be fixed!
More to come as this saga unfolds.......
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