I didn't wake up this morning thinking that anything would occur to cause a big shift in my priorities - but that is just what happened. Deep down this uneasiness has been brewing for several weeks. An uneasiness that I couldn't really put words to or face. Something has been unsettling me and I kept blaming it on my separation from Roger. But now, I seem to see things more clearly.
Roger and I started the morning out texting back and forth. I told him we had snow on the Sangre de Christo mountains this morning and told him to bring his coat when he comes to visit tomorrow. He replied back that he had found a "Student Loan Calculator" and had plugged in the totals for 4 years of loans at Southwest Acupuncture College. My loan payment will total $950.00 a month for 10 years! Oh My Lord!!! Why in the heck did we not do this before moving me half way across the United States? If we had, would it have changed plans?
I have felt physically sick all afternoon thinking about having this kind of debt, at this point in my life! I don't even want to go to class tomorrow. I'm nauseous, my head is throbbing and I have such a feeling of anxiety. The flip side of this is I worry about what people with think of me if I leave school and go back home. In my heart of hearts, I feel like the decision has already been made - and it is not difficult or uncomfortable. It's a decision I can make without any regrets...my one concern (as always in life) is that I don't want to disappoint anyone. I'm not sure why that always comes up for me but it does.
The love of my life will be here for a few short days this weekend. We have a lot of talking to do and a bunch of decisions to make. I know that I can't go on like this much longer - I miss him so much! I have worried about his well being, too. I have never seen him so down before and this is something that could so easily be fixed!
More to come as this saga unfolds.......
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Who Is This Sap I've Become?
I tread along day by day thinking that my heart is getting stronger. No longer do I feel "weepy" on a daily basis. And thinking back on my life, PSF (prior to Santa Fe), I rarely remember feeling like this. Perhaps I got this way watching a movie or maybe when my niece or nephew did something that made me particular proud. But I NEVER felt this way when a song came on the 80's satellite station or I received a letter from a friend or perhaps a kind word. WHAT has Santa Fe and this move done to me?
Tonight I have been sitting here preparing for mid-term tests next week. School went well today, I fixed a nice dinner and then Skyped with my husband, who was at my sisters. So I had fun talking with all of them as well! Then out of the blue my cell phone rang and it was a number I didn't recognize, but knew it was a number from home. Upon answering, I discovered it was one of my beloved "Messenger Ladies". I worked with them at Indianola First United Methodist Church over a period of 2 years preparing the church newsletter. Well, my little friend was calling to check on me because she said, "I've been thinking about you a lot and praying for you!" We visited for a time and at the end of our call, she said "I Love You!" At which point, I fell apart and am still a little misty.
These are the relationships I took for granted when I lived in Iowa. These are the connections that bind your heart and help you make it through the tough times. These are the relationships that I miss so much and they make me question if moving a thousand miles away and stepping out of a fairly comfortable life was really worth it all? I know that God has a lesson in all of this for me - I'm just trying to figure out what that lesson is and make Him proud of the woman I am!
Tonight I have been sitting here preparing for mid-term tests next week. School went well today, I fixed a nice dinner and then Skyped with my husband, who was at my sisters. So I had fun talking with all of them as well! Then out of the blue my cell phone rang and it was a number I didn't recognize, but knew it was a number from home. Upon answering, I discovered it was one of my beloved "Messenger Ladies". I worked with them at Indianola First United Methodist Church over a period of 2 years preparing the church newsletter. Well, my little friend was calling to check on me because she said, "I've been thinking about you a lot and praying for you!" We visited for a time and at the end of our call, she said "I Love You!" At which point, I fell apart and am still a little misty.
These are the relationships I took for granted when I lived in Iowa. These are the connections that bind your heart and help you make it through the tough times. These are the relationships that I miss so much and they make me question if moving a thousand miles away and stepping out of a fairly comfortable life was really worth it all? I know that God has a lesson in all of this for me - I'm just trying to figure out what that lesson is and make Him proud of the woman I am!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Education Doesn't Always Come Easy
I guess I've come to the realization that as far as school or training goes, I've always led a "charmed life". In the past, I've really never had to work very hard at my education. It has always come very easy for me - and in fact, I could wait until the night before a test to study...that's how easy it has been.
Now as I attend classes at the acupuncture college - I realize that this is not coming easy to me. It has been very frustrating as I feel like I sit and read and read and do not retain any of the material. I make volumes of notes from the reading and still feel like it has not washed over the dendrites in my brain. But then, as I was awaking this morning to the sun coming up over the Sangre de Christo Mountains, I realized that this is all "foreign" material. Literally!
It's Western Medicine that has been easy for me. Well, duh - I've been immersed in it my whole life. No wonder it is easy. If I had been raised in China - then Chinese medicine would feel like second nature. The correlations between the two medicines occur but they are very different medicines! So somehow, I need to convince my brain to warp into a new form. Leave behind the knowledge of western medicine and venture out into this very different world. Maybe the old study practices are not the most relevant for this new way of thinking. And maybe, just maybe I have to stop looking back at how things were and start looking forward and learn how to deal with this new world I have been placed in.
Now as I attend classes at the acupuncture college - I realize that this is not coming easy to me. It has been very frustrating as I feel like I sit and read and read and do not retain any of the material. I make volumes of notes from the reading and still feel like it has not washed over the dendrites in my brain. But then, as I was awaking this morning to the sun coming up over the Sangre de Christo Mountains, I realized that this is all "foreign" material. Literally!
It's Western Medicine that has been easy for me. Well, duh - I've been immersed in it my whole life. No wonder it is easy. If I had been raised in China - then Chinese medicine would feel like second nature. The correlations between the two medicines occur but they are very different medicines! So somehow, I need to convince my brain to warp into a new form. Leave behind the knowledge of western medicine and venture out into this very different world. Maybe the old study practices are not the most relevant for this new way of thinking. And maybe, just maybe I have to stop looking back at how things were and start looking forward and learn how to deal with this new world I have been placed in.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Getting Reacquainted with Myself
I have just celebrated the two month anniversary of living in Santa Fe, New Mexico. It has been a tumultuous experience at best! I left behind my husband and the rest of my family, a flourishing massage therapy practice, my church and the ministry with veterans that I felt was my personal responsibility. And I left behind my identity.
Here I am very anonymous, no one really knows me. I have contact with only a handful of people at the apartment complex where I live and a few students in my classes. I never walk into a store, expecting to find a friendly face or a friend to greet me. It's weird really, as I kind of felt like a "public figure" at home due to my involvement in the community, at church and because of my practice.
And it has been very quiet here. I arrived in Santa Fe a month prior to starting school. So I've had a lot of time to sit, think and contemplate this move. People have told me to enjoy this quiet time and to spend it getting "reacquainted" with myself. To appreciate the ease that I have in my life right now...but that's hard, especially for me. I have come from a lifestyle of working 2 jobs and being on the go for fourteen hours a day. I have been strong, independent and very determined. Since arriving here, I don't feel very strong or independent. I find that there are little things that can bring a tear to my eye in the flash of an instant. There are strong remembrances that can bring a pang of melancholy - remembrances that I haven't thought of in years. Simple things like food and sleep have not been the same as at home.
I don't mean this to sound as a big complaint session - I just mean to indicate all the change that has happened in the last 2 months of my life. The best part of my day here is waking up and walking into the living room, opening the blinds and watching the sun rise over the Sangre de Christo Mountains just to the East of my balcony. It is simply amazing and life giving. The mountains have been so intriguing to me. I love to watch the weather develop over the top of the mountain. And just now, the aspens are turning, making the mountain appear as if it is ablaze. Beautiful sights, amazing vistas, breathtaking landscapes that I could never enjoy back in Iowa!
The quiet of night is the hardest for me. I'm used to having my best friend and lover in bed with me at night. That quiet that engulfs me so deeply that I can hear my own heartbeat is tough to deal with. It's that quiet that makes me get up and check that the door is really locked. That quiet that makes my mind think it hears something out in the kitchen. That quiet that creates a little feeling of unease in my heart and keeps that little bit of tension in my body...on guard!
But it is at this quiet time that my mind begins working and words start showing up for reflection. One night recently, my word was "Compassion". And while it seemed odd at first, with a little ruminating it became a message to me that I need to learn to be compassionate with myself, less driven, less independent and give into the love and care with which compassion is offered. Learning to treat myself compassionately is important for the journey I am currently on. If I can't be compassionate with myself, how will I ever treat my patients compassionately. So important for this healing field that I am now studying!!
So while none of this transition has been easy, I am adjusting. I am growing and my thought processes are changing. Regardless of where this journey takes me, it is a process that will change the core of who I am. I am grateful for the opportunity and am anxious to see six months from now where the road leads.
Here I am very anonymous, no one really knows me. I have contact with only a handful of people at the apartment complex where I live and a few students in my classes. I never walk into a store, expecting to find a friendly face or a friend to greet me. It's weird really, as I kind of felt like a "public figure" at home due to my involvement in the community, at church and because of my practice.
And it has been very quiet here. I arrived in Santa Fe a month prior to starting school. So I've had a lot of time to sit, think and contemplate this move. People have told me to enjoy this quiet time and to spend it getting "reacquainted" with myself. To appreciate the ease that I have in my life right now...but that's hard, especially for me. I have come from a lifestyle of working 2 jobs and being on the go for fourteen hours a day. I have been strong, independent and very determined. Since arriving here, I don't feel very strong or independent. I find that there are little things that can bring a tear to my eye in the flash of an instant. There are strong remembrances that can bring a pang of melancholy - remembrances that I haven't thought of in years. Simple things like food and sleep have not been the same as at home.
I don't mean this to sound as a big complaint session - I just mean to indicate all the change that has happened in the last 2 months of my life. The best part of my day here is waking up and walking into the living room, opening the blinds and watching the sun rise over the Sangre de Christo Mountains just to the East of my balcony. It is simply amazing and life giving. The mountains have been so intriguing to me. I love to watch the weather develop over the top of the mountain. And just now, the aspens are turning, making the mountain appear as if it is ablaze. Beautiful sights, amazing vistas, breathtaking landscapes that I could never enjoy back in Iowa!
The quiet of night is the hardest for me. I'm used to having my best friend and lover in bed with me at night. That quiet that engulfs me so deeply that I can hear my own heartbeat is tough to deal with. It's that quiet that makes me get up and check that the door is really locked. That quiet that makes my mind think it hears something out in the kitchen. That quiet that creates a little feeling of unease in my heart and keeps that little bit of tension in my body...on guard!
But it is at this quiet time that my mind begins working and words start showing up for reflection. One night recently, my word was "Compassion". And while it seemed odd at first, with a little ruminating it became a message to me that I need to learn to be compassionate with myself, less driven, less independent and give into the love and care with which compassion is offered. Learning to treat myself compassionately is important for the journey I am currently on. If I can't be compassionate with myself, how will I ever treat my patients compassionately. So important for this healing field that I am now studying!!
So while none of this transition has been easy, I am adjusting. I am growing and my thought processes are changing. Regardless of where this journey takes me, it is a process that will change the core of who I am. I am grateful for the opportunity and am anxious to see six months from now where the road leads.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Eight Days In
Today marks my eighth day of acupuncture school. And as I sit and reflect on the past week - I'm not sure how I feel about it. There are parts of me that are very excited about the possibilities and opportunities that exist in the future. Another part of me very much wants my old life back! I miss the familiarity, I miss the routine, I miss my family, friends and clients. AND more than anything I miss the love of my life!
I think some of this is just frustration. On Monday, Roger found out that he did not get the job we were hoping for here in Santa Fe. In fact the headhunter he has been working with, felt the need to share with him that the hiring manager, "Didn't like his personality and that they would rather leave the position open rather than make a bad hire". REALLY??? Was it necessary to share this hurtful information? What good was gained by any of it? I just don't get some people, sometimes! So now we sit and wait and pray! And know that it will all unfold in God's time.
The church that I have been attending here has been very supportive and have put Roger on their prayer chain. Pastor Carpenter said they would work on "praying him in", which I found so cool. Zia Methodist has been a source of great warmth and friendship. Pastor Kay has preached and preached at First Indianola about "Radical Hospitality", I'm starting to think that this phrase may just have been invented here in New Mexico. Nearly EVERYWHERE I have been people have a great ability with hospitality. It's amazing. So I guess for now...I just need to be! I need to relax into this new state of being for myself. I need to explore these feelings, frustrations and excitements and learn to embrace this moment. I used to have a sign on my treatment room wall that I need to revisit...It said, "Enjoy this Moment for this Moment is Your Life!"
I think some of this is just frustration. On Monday, Roger found out that he did not get the job we were hoping for here in Santa Fe. In fact the headhunter he has been working with, felt the need to share with him that the hiring manager, "Didn't like his personality and that they would rather leave the position open rather than make a bad hire". REALLY??? Was it necessary to share this hurtful information? What good was gained by any of it? I just don't get some people, sometimes! So now we sit and wait and pray! And know that it will all unfold in God's time.
The church that I have been attending here has been very supportive and have put Roger on their prayer chain. Pastor Carpenter said they would work on "praying him in", which I found so cool. Zia Methodist has been a source of great warmth and friendship. Pastor Kay has preached and preached at First Indianola about "Radical Hospitality", I'm starting to think that this phrase may just have been invented here in New Mexico. Nearly EVERYWHERE I have been people have a great ability with hospitality. It's amazing. So I guess for now...I just need to be! I need to relax into this new state of being for myself. I need to explore these feelings, frustrations and excitements and learn to embrace this moment. I used to have a sign on my treatment room wall that I need to revisit...It said, "Enjoy this Moment for this Moment is Your Life!"
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Such a Little Life
After two days of class and multiple introductions and chances to tell our stories at acupuncture school....I'm wondering if I have lived a big enough life to be here. There are 15 people in my class, 10 of us are "starting from the start" the others have done some sort of acupuncture training in other states and will be taking classes to meet the requirements for New Mexico licensure. And they all have a varied and colorful past.
One young woman (I'm guessing still a teen) has lived most of her life in India and found acupuncture here "destiny" as she comes from a family of healers. She has spent most of her life being medically cared for by naturopathy and acupuncture - it is essentially her life.
Another student is a man I'm guessing to be in his 40s - lived in a Zen Temple in Japan for a number of years. He told me that he has always had a zen way of life and said that at four years old a family friend asked him to go hunting. His response to this friend, "I'm not supposed to kill anything in this lifetime." My question...how do you have this kind of direction at 4?
One of the women just finished Acupuncture school in New Jersey recently and opened her practice. Two weeks ago, she said she decided she wanted to move to Santa Fe and get licensed here. She's back in school to study the chinese herbs. IN 2 WEEKS TIME, SHE MADE THIS DECISION!!! WHAT!! She's very colorful! She's thinking of moving to a place about 45 miles away from Santa Fe, in the middle of nowhere!!!! Oh My Gosh - I can't imagine living in the wilderness as she is thinking about. There's coyotes out there - ya know!!!
And today, I visited with another young man in my class who is a chemist and has invented some sort of solvent that cyclists use. He's patented this solvent and it's on the market...an inventor no less. He's also a new father. His baby boy was at the school with him for awhile today is 9 weeks old and absolutely adorable! I asked the child's name and he said something like "Tasaki" - who is a Hindi Deity, who rides a tiger backwards, has 10 arms, 10 legs and carries swords to fight off his enemies. I tried to google this Deity - but couldn't quite figure it out!!!!
One woman state that the first half of her life, she was a "selective mute". Since that time she has lived in multiple cities, including New York and is a weaver, artist and grows her own food. She is happy to be back in New Mexico and is working the soil on her farm.
And this is just a small snapshot of my classmates - so I say, what have I done with my life? Yes, I served in the military and yes, I've been a massage therapist for many years and hope that I have touched a lot of lives with this work. But I don't feel nearly as interesting or colorful as some of these stories. I hadn't anticipated this part of the journey! And at the same time, I think all of this diversity is what makes the journey so powerful. I hope that where some of my classmates are light and airy, I can be the stabilizer; where they are intellectual, I can be the voice of reason and together we can be the Yin & Yang!
One young woman (I'm guessing still a teen) has lived most of her life in India and found acupuncture here "destiny" as she comes from a family of healers. She has spent most of her life being medically cared for by naturopathy and acupuncture - it is essentially her life.
Another student is a man I'm guessing to be in his 40s - lived in a Zen Temple in Japan for a number of years. He told me that he has always had a zen way of life and said that at four years old a family friend asked him to go hunting. His response to this friend, "I'm not supposed to kill anything in this lifetime." My question...how do you have this kind of direction at 4?
One of the women just finished Acupuncture school in New Jersey recently and opened her practice. Two weeks ago, she said she decided she wanted to move to Santa Fe and get licensed here. She's back in school to study the chinese herbs. IN 2 WEEKS TIME, SHE MADE THIS DECISION!!! WHAT!! She's very colorful! She's thinking of moving to a place about 45 miles away from Santa Fe, in the middle of nowhere!!!! Oh My Gosh - I can't imagine living in the wilderness as she is thinking about. There's coyotes out there - ya know!!!
And today, I visited with another young man in my class who is a chemist and has invented some sort of solvent that cyclists use. He's patented this solvent and it's on the market...an inventor no less. He's also a new father. His baby boy was at the school with him for awhile today is 9 weeks old and absolutely adorable! I asked the child's name and he said something like "Tasaki" - who is a Hindi Deity, who rides a tiger backwards, has 10 arms, 10 legs and carries swords to fight off his enemies. I tried to google this Deity - but couldn't quite figure it out!!!!
One woman state that the first half of her life, she was a "selective mute". Since that time she has lived in multiple cities, including New York and is a weaver, artist and grows her own food. She is happy to be back in New Mexico and is working the soil on her farm.
And this is just a small snapshot of my classmates - so I say, what have I done with my life? Yes, I served in the military and yes, I've been a massage therapist for many years and hope that I have touched a lot of lives with this work. But I don't feel nearly as interesting or colorful as some of these stories. I hadn't anticipated this part of the journey! And at the same time, I think all of this diversity is what makes the journey so powerful. I hope that where some of my classmates are light and airy, I can be the stabilizer; where they are intellectual, I can be the voice of reason and together we can be the Yin & Yang!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Our God has a sense of humor!
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not one to sit around on my laurels. I have always been on the go and busy. And now...life has changed drastically. Five weeks ago, I moved to Santa Fe, New Mexico to begin acupuncture school. I have had 5 weeks of nothing to do. Oh, don't get me wrong, I had an apartment to unpack, a new city to discover and all the amenities to locate - but essentially there was not a lot on my plate. In that time, I've learned to watch hummingbirds, greet the sun as it comes up over the Sangre de Christo Mountains and basically breathe. I think all of this is in preparation for the start of acupuncture school.
In 2 days, I will attend my first class at Southwest Acupuncture College. Lo' and behold - that very first class will be Tai Ji. Oh, I'm sure that God is sitting up there having a good laugh about this! How in the world did this happen? I've tried Tai Ji once before and thought I would go crazy! As I was learning before, I just kept thinking...'can we speed this up, I've got things to do!' AND I know that this is kind of defeating the purpose, so now I have the opportunity to give it another try. I wonder if they have Summer School for Tai Ji. Well - I just have to giggle about this and put my best foot forward. This is such a great opportunity and I am very excited about this new phase of my life.
In 2 days, I will attend my first class at Southwest Acupuncture College. Lo' and behold - that very first class will be Tai Ji. Oh, I'm sure that God is sitting up there having a good laugh about this! How in the world did this happen? I've tried Tai Ji once before and thought I would go crazy! As I was learning before, I just kept thinking...'can we speed this up, I've got things to do!' AND I know that this is kind of defeating the purpose, so now I have the opportunity to give it another try. I wonder if they have Summer School for Tai Ji. Well - I just have to giggle about this and put my best foot forward. This is such a great opportunity and I am very excited about this new phase of my life.
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