It will be interesting, really...to look back on this experience and see how I've grown and changed. I have had a rare opportunity for the past 4 months to "get reacquainted with myself". I have spent a lot of time alone, ruminating and determining what is important to me. Opportunities have presented themselves to me to feel vulnerable and have made me cry; while other situations have shown me just how strong and independent I am. What will this whole experience look like six months from now?
I am so grateful to my best friend and husband. Without his support, both financially and emotionally this would never have happened. And I am so thankful to Ken & Jan Beane for allowing Roger to live with them while I have been away. Without these two beautiful people, this could never have happened. They have also been encouragement for the journey constantly telling me I could do it and how proud of me they are. The praise of being told how proud someone is of you, gets to me every time. I don't know why it makes me feel so weepy, but it stirs up something in my heart and pushes me ahead to do my best. The flip side of that coin is that I'm always concerned about doing something that would make me disappoint those that I love. This is a top concern in almost every decision I make and probably needs my attention and to be explored a little more.
Sitting here, looking at the Sangre de Christo mountains, I have had the opportunity to reflect on how it feels to live in a community where you are fairly well known. Indianola is a small enough place, it's not easy to be a stranger there. When we first moved there 13 years ago, I can remember going into places and people turning around and looking. This was apparently very disconcerting to Roger (initially). He would bristle, his posture would change and perhaps even his breathing would become more rapid. He said to me, "Why are they looking at me...do they want to fight?" Oh Lord No!!! I told him that in my town, they where trying to place him with a family, "I think he went to school with my sister" or "His dad used to work down at the elevator"! And thinking about this mentality now, that is a wonderful environment to live in. I love going to Crouse Cafe and having Heidi or Abby know that I like Diet Coke with a splash of Cherry Coke. I love being stopped in the grocery store and asked if I have any massage appointments available this week. I have missed being a member of such a community. I go to the store knowing there is no chance I will run into anyone I know here in Santa Fe. And for me, this knowledge brings a tinge of sadness.
So now I'm sitting here and looking forward to the next chapter as I prepare to move back to my beloved community, family and friends. This journey didn't end up as I had intended, but perhaps this was what the entirety of the journey was about! The leaves are falling off the trees and the wind has taken on a cold bite; just as I have purged my life of a bunch of stuff both material and emotional. The seasons are surely changing and it will be interesting to see what fertile opportunities present themselves in this next phase.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
The Homecoming
Yesterday, I had the great honor of being part of the Peregrine Institute for Oncology Massage Training's graduation of the "Gratitude Pod". I was asked to be there as a graduate of the program in October of 2008. My pod's name is the "Purification Pod". This group of 5 women had incredible final projects. I was particularly take with Mary Peifer's presentation on advances in administering chemotherapy at a time of the day when the medications/toxins are most effective in treating the cancer. It was simply fascinating. I stood by as "technical support" - loading up their PowerPoint presentation, DVD or accessing the web for video clips. The world is truly blessed to now receive this 5 new Warriors.
After final presentations, I joined the infamous circle, for the graduation ceremony. We each put a memento in the center of the circle and had an opportunity to talk about what it was and why it was important. Mary had brought a small container of garden soil from her home in Illinois. She talked about the rich, fertile quality of the soil and about planting seeds and the wonder of that process in which they grow. She likened it to the journey she and her classmates had been on. In addition, she brought 5 small rocks that were given to her by a 95 year old patient that she is responsible for in her Parrish Nursing job. She talked about how special this woman is and the time spent with her as she lives her last days or weeks. They lady is a woman of means and had traveled the world The wisdom she passed on to Mary is that the importance of her life was kept in two metal tins on her dresser. To Mary's surprise when she opened the tins - they contained rocks. This woman had collected rocks from all of her trips and they were important to her because she could touch the rocks and remember the special moments of all these travels. For this little lady, all the wealth, status and material things really held no importance in her life.
Nikki brought two items to the circle. One was a paper-doll, with the face of one of her Oncology Massage clients who had recently passed. This woman was nearly the same age as Nikki and had children of her own. It was obvious from the respect in Nikki's voice that she held her client in high regard and had to work through some of her own grief in loosing her mother to provide the care that this dying patient needed. The other item that Nikki brought to the circle was a geode from the Loess Hills in Iowa. Nikki's mother was an employee of the State of Iowa and was involved in grant writing for the preservation of Iowa's natural resources. Sadly, Nikki's Mom, passed away suddenly in early summer. The geode was a gift from fellow co-workers of her Mom to all of the grandchildren.
There was a hummingbird plaque brought by Marcie and she talked about how beautiful and special these little birds are to her family. She also talked about what hummingbirds meant to her. Anna Marie brought a gourd filled with sea salt and related it to a cartoon she saw of a goat struggling up a precipice to get to salt. This she thought represented her struggle to get though this intensive program.
And my beautiful friend, Iris (from Hawaii) brought a rock. She had worked with a woman for many years in Hawaii and then the woman moved to Santa Fe. This friend of hers was not a massage therapist, but they had spend time together discussing massage and Iris had mentioned that she needed to get some rocks (for heated stone therapy). Her friend, not knowing really what she needed, presented a little brown rock to Iris. And in her kind and gentle way, Iris smiled and thanked her for the gift and it has since been rolling around in her purse. Ahhhh, to be as kind and gentle as Iris!
Lastly, I added something to the circle. Iris and I started this program together in 2006. At that time, I was working full time at Communications Data Services as a Trainer and doing massage on a part-time basis. It was a struggle to keep up with both, but it was manageable. I was having a hard time deciding whether or not to leave Corporate America and jump into running my own business full time. We discussed this within my group and it caused me some heartbreak and reflection. A week or so after coming home from this training session, a little box arrived. Inside that little box was a small ceramic piece. On on side it is white with a beautiful red heart, on the opposite side it is light blue and in white lettering it says, "Follow Your Heart". This, I too, have carried around in my coin purse since I received it.
This experience was all about a homecoming....these months in Santa Fe, have not really been so much about attending Acupuncture School as they have been about finding my home. Finding that place in my heart that is just too special to abandon. It has been about finding my way back to what is so important and then locking in on this special sphere and then acting in a way to make a difference in the world. Now that I'm back on track - I have some work to do! I thank God for this time to reflect.
After final presentations, I joined the infamous circle, for the graduation ceremony. We each put a memento in the center of the circle and had an opportunity to talk about what it was and why it was important. Mary had brought a small container of garden soil from her home in Illinois. She talked about the rich, fertile quality of the soil and about planting seeds and the wonder of that process in which they grow. She likened it to the journey she and her classmates had been on. In addition, she brought 5 small rocks that were given to her by a 95 year old patient that she is responsible for in her Parrish Nursing job. She talked about how special this woman is and the time spent with her as she lives her last days or weeks. They lady is a woman of means and had traveled the world The wisdom she passed on to Mary is that the importance of her life was kept in two metal tins on her dresser. To Mary's surprise when she opened the tins - they contained rocks. This woman had collected rocks from all of her trips and they were important to her because she could touch the rocks and remember the special moments of all these travels. For this little lady, all the wealth, status and material things really held no importance in her life.
Nikki brought two items to the circle. One was a paper-doll, with the face of one of her Oncology Massage clients who had recently passed. This woman was nearly the same age as Nikki and had children of her own. It was obvious from the respect in Nikki's voice that she held her client in high regard and had to work through some of her own grief in loosing her mother to provide the care that this dying patient needed. The other item that Nikki brought to the circle was a geode from the Loess Hills in Iowa. Nikki's mother was an employee of the State of Iowa and was involved in grant writing for the preservation of Iowa's natural resources. Sadly, Nikki's Mom, passed away suddenly in early summer. The geode was a gift from fellow co-workers of her Mom to all of the grandchildren.
There was a hummingbird plaque brought by Marcie and she talked about how beautiful and special these little birds are to her family. She also talked about what hummingbirds meant to her. Anna Marie brought a gourd filled with sea salt and related it to a cartoon she saw of a goat struggling up a precipice to get to salt. This she thought represented her struggle to get though this intensive program.
And my beautiful friend, Iris (from Hawaii) brought a rock. She had worked with a woman for many years in Hawaii and then the woman moved to Santa Fe. This friend of hers was not a massage therapist, but they had spend time together discussing massage and Iris had mentioned that she needed to get some rocks (for heated stone therapy). Her friend, not knowing really what she needed, presented a little brown rock to Iris. And in her kind and gentle way, Iris smiled and thanked her for the gift and it has since been rolling around in her purse. Ahhhh, to be as kind and gentle as Iris!
Lastly, I added something to the circle. Iris and I started this program together in 2006. At that time, I was working full time at Communications Data Services as a Trainer and doing massage on a part-time basis. It was a struggle to keep up with both, but it was manageable. I was having a hard time deciding whether or not to leave Corporate America and jump into running my own business full time. We discussed this within my group and it caused me some heartbreak and reflection. A week or so after coming home from this training session, a little box arrived. Inside that little box was a small ceramic piece. On on side it is white with a beautiful red heart, on the opposite side it is light blue and in white lettering it says, "Follow Your Heart". This, I too, have carried around in my coin purse since I received it.
This experience was all about a homecoming....these months in Santa Fe, have not really been so much about attending Acupuncture School as they have been about finding my home. Finding that place in my heart that is just too special to abandon. It has been about finding my way back to what is so important and then locking in on this special sphere and then acting in a way to make a difference in the world. Now that I'm back on track - I have some work to do! I thank God for this time to reflect.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Gaining Some Confidence
It's interesting really, never before have I felt this vulnerable. I have always been pretty confident in who I am and what I know about myself and my surroundings. This journey away from my "life" presented me with an opportunity to really question who I am and what I'm about. Looking at things from an Eastern perspective has been very disconcerting. I realize that I know very little about myself from this point of view and the not knowing is the hardest part.
Now that we are into the week of mid-terms and my knowledge is being challenged, I'm gaining confidence. My first mid-term test was returned to me today with a score of 94. The part of the test that I was most concerned with (diagnosis) I got all the questions right. This is a huge boost to my self-esteem. At the same time, this boost makes we waffle a little in my decision (along with Roger) to leave school at the end of the semester and move back to Iowa.
I waffle because I know that if I stuck it out - I would be a good acupuncturist. There is a lot, I could offer my patients....and then I think about the money involved in training at this school. I don't want $100,000+ debt at the end of four years. I think about the time commitment involved...and I don't want to sit at this dining room table for 6 hours a day X 4 years. Yet - part of me says...look what you could accomplish! Until this afternoon, I was very comfortable with my decision and now I have some feeling of loss - more than anything. It's not regret, it's not anger...it's just loss.
Leaving IS the best decision for me and my family. This program is too costly monetarily and emotionally for me and my family. I have not enjoyed being separated from my husband and best friend. So, I guess the next steps are to figure out how I can still pursue gaining this knowledge without having to live away from those that I love. Can I get the training online? Can I find a program that I can travel to on occasion, these are all questions floating through my brain. I CAN STILL BE A GOOD ACUPUNCTURIST - I just may have to be a little more creative with my training!
Now that we are into the week of mid-terms and my knowledge is being challenged, I'm gaining confidence. My first mid-term test was returned to me today with a score of 94. The part of the test that I was most concerned with (diagnosis) I got all the questions right. This is a huge boost to my self-esteem. At the same time, this boost makes we waffle a little in my decision (along with Roger) to leave school at the end of the semester and move back to Iowa.
I waffle because I know that if I stuck it out - I would be a good acupuncturist. There is a lot, I could offer my patients....and then I think about the money involved in training at this school. I don't want $100,000+ debt at the end of four years. I think about the time commitment involved...and I don't want to sit at this dining room table for 6 hours a day X 4 years. Yet - part of me says...look what you could accomplish! Until this afternoon, I was very comfortable with my decision and now I have some feeling of loss - more than anything. It's not regret, it's not anger...it's just loss.
Leaving IS the best decision for me and my family. This program is too costly monetarily and emotionally for me and my family. I have not enjoyed being separated from my husband and best friend. So, I guess the next steps are to figure out how I can still pursue gaining this knowledge without having to live away from those that I love. Can I get the training online? Can I find a program that I can travel to on occasion, these are all questions floating through my brain. I CAN STILL BE A GOOD ACUPUNCTURIST - I just may have to be a little more creative with my training!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Realigning Priorities
I didn't wake up this morning thinking that anything would occur to cause a big shift in my priorities - but that is just what happened. Deep down this uneasiness has been brewing for several weeks. An uneasiness that I couldn't really put words to or face. Something has been unsettling me and I kept blaming it on my separation from Roger. But now, I seem to see things more clearly.
Roger and I started the morning out texting back and forth. I told him we had snow on the Sangre de Christo mountains this morning and told him to bring his coat when he comes to visit tomorrow. He replied back that he had found a "Student Loan Calculator" and had plugged in the totals for 4 years of loans at Southwest Acupuncture College. My loan payment will total $950.00 a month for 10 years! Oh My Lord!!! Why in the heck did we not do this before moving me half way across the United States? If we had, would it have changed plans?
I have felt physically sick all afternoon thinking about having this kind of debt, at this point in my life! I don't even want to go to class tomorrow. I'm nauseous, my head is throbbing and I have such a feeling of anxiety. The flip side of this is I worry about what people with think of me if I leave school and go back home. In my heart of hearts, I feel like the decision has already been made - and it is not difficult or uncomfortable. It's a decision I can make without any regrets...my one concern (as always in life) is that I don't want to disappoint anyone. I'm not sure why that always comes up for me but it does.
The love of my life will be here for a few short days this weekend. We have a lot of talking to do and a bunch of decisions to make. I know that I can't go on like this much longer - I miss him so much! I have worried about his well being, too. I have never seen him so down before and this is something that could so easily be fixed!
More to come as this saga unfolds.......
Roger and I started the morning out texting back and forth. I told him we had snow on the Sangre de Christo mountains this morning and told him to bring his coat when he comes to visit tomorrow. He replied back that he had found a "Student Loan Calculator" and had plugged in the totals for 4 years of loans at Southwest Acupuncture College. My loan payment will total $950.00 a month for 10 years! Oh My Lord!!! Why in the heck did we not do this before moving me half way across the United States? If we had, would it have changed plans?
I have felt physically sick all afternoon thinking about having this kind of debt, at this point in my life! I don't even want to go to class tomorrow. I'm nauseous, my head is throbbing and I have such a feeling of anxiety. The flip side of this is I worry about what people with think of me if I leave school and go back home. In my heart of hearts, I feel like the decision has already been made - and it is not difficult or uncomfortable. It's a decision I can make without any regrets...my one concern (as always in life) is that I don't want to disappoint anyone. I'm not sure why that always comes up for me but it does.
The love of my life will be here for a few short days this weekend. We have a lot of talking to do and a bunch of decisions to make. I know that I can't go on like this much longer - I miss him so much! I have worried about his well being, too. I have never seen him so down before and this is something that could so easily be fixed!
More to come as this saga unfolds.......
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Who Is This Sap I've Become?
I tread along day by day thinking that my heart is getting stronger. No longer do I feel "weepy" on a daily basis. And thinking back on my life, PSF (prior to Santa Fe), I rarely remember feeling like this. Perhaps I got this way watching a movie or maybe when my niece or nephew did something that made me particular proud. But I NEVER felt this way when a song came on the 80's satellite station or I received a letter from a friend or perhaps a kind word. WHAT has Santa Fe and this move done to me?
Tonight I have been sitting here preparing for mid-term tests next week. School went well today, I fixed a nice dinner and then Skyped with my husband, who was at my sisters. So I had fun talking with all of them as well! Then out of the blue my cell phone rang and it was a number I didn't recognize, but knew it was a number from home. Upon answering, I discovered it was one of my beloved "Messenger Ladies". I worked with them at Indianola First United Methodist Church over a period of 2 years preparing the church newsletter. Well, my little friend was calling to check on me because she said, "I've been thinking about you a lot and praying for you!" We visited for a time and at the end of our call, she said "I Love You!" At which point, I fell apart and am still a little misty.
These are the relationships I took for granted when I lived in Iowa. These are the connections that bind your heart and help you make it through the tough times. These are the relationships that I miss so much and they make me question if moving a thousand miles away and stepping out of a fairly comfortable life was really worth it all? I know that God has a lesson in all of this for me - I'm just trying to figure out what that lesson is and make Him proud of the woman I am!
Tonight I have been sitting here preparing for mid-term tests next week. School went well today, I fixed a nice dinner and then Skyped with my husband, who was at my sisters. So I had fun talking with all of them as well! Then out of the blue my cell phone rang and it was a number I didn't recognize, but knew it was a number from home. Upon answering, I discovered it was one of my beloved "Messenger Ladies". I worked with them at Indianola First United Methodist Church over a period of 2 years preparing the church newsletter. Well, my little friend was calling to check on me because she said, "I've been thinking about you a lot and praying for you!" We visited for a time and at the end of our call, she said "I Love You!" At which point, I fell apart and am still a little misty.
These are the relationships I took for granted when I lived in Iowa. These are the connections that bind your heart and help you make it through the tough times. These are the relationships that I miss so much and they make me question if moving a thousand miles away and stepping out of a fairly comfortable life was really worth it all? I know that God has a lesson in all of this for me - I'm just trying to figure out what that lesson is and make Him proud of the woman I am!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Education Doesn't Always Come Easy
I guess I've come to the realization that as far as school or training goes, I've always led a "charmed life". In the past, I've really never had to work very hard at my education. It has always come very easy for me - and in fact, I could wait until the night before a test to study...that's how easy it has been.
Now as I attend classes at the acupuncture college - I realize that this is not coming easy to me. It has been very frustrating as I feel like I sit and read and read and do not retain any of the material. I make volumes of notes from the reading and still feel like it has not washed over the dendrites in my brain. But then, as I was awaking this morning to the sun coming up over the Sangre de Christo Mountains, I realized that this is all "foreign" material. Literally!
It's Western Medicine that has been easy for me. Well, duh - I've been immersed in it my whole life. No wonder it is easy. If I had been raised in China - then Chinese medicine would feel like second nature. The correlations between the two medicines occur but they are very different medicines! So somehow, I need to convince my brain to warp into a new form. Leave behind the knowledge of western medicine and venture out into this very different world. Maybe the old study practices are not the most relevant for this new way of thinking. And maybe, just maybe I have to stop looking back at how things were and start looking forward and learn how to deal with this new world I have been placed in.
Now as I attend classes at the acupuncture college - I realize that this is not coming easy to me. It has been very frustrating as I feel like I sit and read and read and do not retain any of the material. I make volumes of notes from the reading and still feel like it has not washed over the dendrites in my brain. But then, as I was awaking this morning to the sun coming up over the Sangre de Christo Mountains, I realized that this is all "foreign" material. Literally!
It's Western Medicine that has been easy for me. Well, duh - I've been immersed in it my whole life. No wonder it is easy. If I had been raised in China - then Chinese medicine would feel like second nature. The correlations between the two medicines occur but they are very different medicines! So somehow, I need to convince my brain to warp into a new form. Leave behind the knowledge of western medicine and venture out into this very different world. Maybe the old study practices are not the most relevant for this new way of thinking. And maybe, just maybe I have to stop looking back at how things were and start looking forward and learn how to deal with this new world I have been placed in.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Getting Reacquainted with Myself
I have just celebrated the two month anniversary of living in Santa Fe, New Mexico. It has been a tumultuous experience at best! I left behind my husband and the rest of my family, a flourishing massage therapy practice, my church and the ministry with veterans that I felt was my personal responsibility. And I left behind my identity.
Here I am very anonymous, no one really knows me. I have contact with only a handful of people at the apartment complex where I live and a few students in my classes. I never walk into a store, expecting to find a friendly face or a friend to greet me. It's weird really, as I kind of felt like a "public figure" at home due to my involvement in the community, at church and because of my practice.
And it has been very quiet here. I arrived in Santa Fe a month prior to starting school. So I've had a lot of time to sit, think and contemplate this move. People have told me to enjoy this quiet time and to spend it getting "reacquainted" with myself. To appreciate the ease that I have in my life right now...but that's hard, especially for me. I have come from a lifestyle of working 2 jobs and being on the go for fourteen hours a day. I have been strong, independent and very determined. Since arriving here, I don't feel very strong or independent. I find that there are little things that can bring a tear to my eye in the flash of an instant. There are strong remembrances that can bring a pang of melancholy - remembrances that I haven't thought of in years. Simple things like food and sleep have not been the same as at home.
I don't mean this to sound as a big complaint session - I just mean to indicate all the change that has happened in the last 2 months of my life. The best part of my day here is waking up and walking into the living room, opening the blinds and watching the sun rise over the Sangre de Christo Mountains just to the East of my balcony. It is simply amazing and life giving. The mountains have been so intriguing to me. I love to watch the weather develop over the top of the mountain. And just now, the aspens are turning, making the mountain appear as if it is ablaze. Beautiful sights, amazing vistas, breathtaking landscapes that I could never enjoy back in Iowa!
The quiet of night is the hardest for me. I'm used to having my best friend and lover in bed with me at night. That quiet that engulfs me so deeply that I can hear my own heartbeat is tough to deal with. It's that quiet that makes me get up and check that the door is really locked. That quiet that makes my mind think it hears something out in the kitchen. That quiet that creates a little feeling of unease in my heart and keeps that little bit of tension in my body...on guard!
But it is at this quiet time that my mind begins working and words start showing up for reflection. One night recently, my word was "Compassion". And while it seemed odd at first, with a little ruminating it became a message to me that I need to learn to be compassionate with myself, less driven, less independent and give into the love and care with which compassion is offered. Learning to treat myself compassionately is important for the journey I am currently on. If I can't be compassionate with myself, how will I ever treat my patients compassionately. So important for this healing field that I am now studying!!
So while none of this transition has been easy, I am adjusting. I am growing and my thought processes are changing. Regardless of where this journey takes me, it is a process that will change the core of who I am. I am grateful for the opportunity and am anxious to see six months from now where the road leads.
Here I am very anonymous, no one really knows me. I have contact with only a handful of people at the apartment complex where I live and a few students in my classes. I never walk into a store, expecting to find a friendly face or a friend to greet me. It's weird really, as I kind of felt like a "public figure" at home due to my involvement in the community, at church and because of my practice.
And it has been very quiet here. I arrived in Santa Fe a month prior to starting school. So I've had a lot of time to sit, think and contemplate this move. People have told me to enjoy this quiet time and to spend it getting "reacquainted" with myself. To appreciate the ease that I have in my life right now...but that's hard, especially for me. I have come from a lifestyle of working 2 jobs and being on the go for fourteen hours a day. I have been strong, independent and very determined. Since arriving here, I don't feel very strong or independent. I find that there are little things that can bring a tear to my eye in the flash of an instant. There are strong remembrances that can bring a pang of melancholy - remembrances that I haven't thought of in years. Simple things like food and sleep have not been the same as at home.
I don't mean this to sound as a big complaint session - I just mean to indicate all the change that has happened in the last 2 months of my life. The best part of my day here is waking up and walking into the living room, opening the blinds and watching the sun rise over the Sangre de Christo Mountains just to the East of my balcony. It is simply amazing and life giving. The mountains have been so intriguing to me. I love to watch the weather develop over the top of the mountain. And just now, the aspens are turning, making the mountain appear as if it is ablaze. Beautiful sights, amazing vistas, breathtaking landscapes that I could never enjoy back in Iowa!
The quiet of night is the hardest for me. I'm used to having my best friend and lover in bed with me at night. That quiet that engulfs me so deeply that I can hear my own heartbeat is tough to deal with. It's that quiet that makes me get up and check that the door is really locked. That quiet that makes my mind think it hears something out in the kitchen. That quiet that creates a little feeling of unease in my heart and keeps that little bit of tension in my body...on guard!
But it is at this quiet time that my mind begins working and words start showing up for reflection. One night recently, my word was "Compassion". And while it seemed odd at first, with a little ruminating it became a message to me that I need to learn to be compassionate with myself, less driven, less independent and give into the love and care with which compassion is offered. Learning to treat myself compassionately is important for the journey I am currently on. If I can't be compassionate with myself, how will I ever treat my patients compassionately. So important for this healing field that I am now studying!!
So while none of this transition has been easy, I am adjusting. I am growing and my thought processes are changing. Regardless of where this journey takes me, it is a process that will change the core of who I am. I am grateful for the opportunity and am anxious to see six months from now where the road leads.
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